Friday, March 14, 2014
I wrote this post several months ago when I was going through an extremely painful time. Now I can look at it and say God has held me through this. I have been to hell and back, but God has held me. And when you are going through hell he will hold you too. "Sometimes things hurt. This evening has been one of those times. Sometimes I wish I could just take people by the shoulders and shake them and say you have no idea how much I'm hurting. You have no idea how it feels to be trapped in my shoes in this situation. Because I can't actually talk about it. But I'm hurting. And sometimes there aren't words to express how I feel, and people look at the outside and think I'm okay now, but I'm not. I'm coping now, and I can find a safe spot to cry in peace, but it doesn't take away the pain, and sometimes even my safe places are invaded. The ones that aren't I can't usually stay in for very long (i.e. church) and some days I wish the office was open so I could just go there, and sit somewhere quiet and cry until my heart felt like it's tears had been heard, but I can't. So I find a quiet place somewhere else and weep in silence. God hears me. God sees my tears, and he's not far off, like it seems like everyone else is when I need a shoulder to cry on, or just some space to live. One day I won't live feeling like my basic needs and emotional safety are constantly threatened by the circumstances thrust upon me." "Where can I run from your presence Lord? ...if I go to the depths of hell even then you are there."
Recently I was having a conversation with a friend about my dream to be a doctor and studying. Lately I've had quite a few knock backs and it hasn't looked very hopeful. The following is an excerpt from our conversation, and felt it might encourage a few others, so have shared below. "It's strange. I've asked God several times about it - what do you want me to do? Is this a wrong move? Are you steering me in a different direction? Do I change course? And so on... It took a little while to hear him regarding it, because at first all I could think about was my disappointment, frustration and doubts and wanting to quit because it all felt too hard. However a few days ago my heart quietly whispered to him,"Am I doing the wrong thing? Do I change course? Should I let go of this and work? What is your will for me?" And I felt him whisper back, "I want you to do medicine." I wasn't expecting him to speak like that to me. It feels as though my dream to become a doctor has changed from being my dream that I didn't want to surrender to him, to it being his dream for me that is a gift, not a cause for striving, and a heavy burden I struggle under. Honestly I don't know how that will happen, but I know he doesn't call without giving us what we need to follow that call. I guess that give me stability with the uncertainty of it all, and an incredible sense of peace."