God with me in the Depths of Hell

I wrote this post several months ago when I was going through an extremely painful time. Now I can look at it and say God has held me through this. I have been to hell and back, but God has held me. And when you are going through hell he will hold you too. "Sometimes things hurt. This evening has been one of those times. Sometimes I wish I could just take people by the shoulders and shake them and say you have no idea how much I'm hurting. You have no idea how it feels to be trapped in my shoes in this situation. Because I can't actually talk about it. But I'm hurting. And sometimes there aren't words to express how I feel, and people look at the outside and think I'm okay now, but I'm not. I'm coping now, and I can find a safe spot to cry in peace, but it doesn't take away the pain, and sometimes even my safe places are invaded. The ones that aren't I can't usually stay in for very long (i.e. church) and some days I wish the office was open so I could just go there, and sit somewhere quiet and cry until my heart felt like it's tears had been heard, but I can't. So I find a quiet place somewhere else and weep in silence. God hears me. God sees my tears, and he's not far off, like it seems like everyone else is when I need a shoulder to cry on, or just some space to live. One day I won't live feeling like my basic needs and emotional safety are constantly threatened by the circumstances thrust upon me." "Where can I run from your presence Lord? ...if I go to the depths of hell even then you are there."

What is Your Will?

Recently I was having a conversation with a friend about my dream to be a doctor and studying. Lately I've had quite a few knock backs and it hasn't looked very hopeful. The following is an excerpt from our conversation, and felt it might encourage a few others, so have shared below. "It's strange. I've asked God several times about it - what do you want me to do? Is this a wrong move? Are you steering me in a different direction? Do I change course? And so on... It took a little while to hear him regarding it, because at first all I could think about was my disappointment, frustration and doubts and wanting to quit because it all felt too hard. However a few days ago my heart quietly whispered to him,"Am I doing the wrong thing? Do I change course? Should I let go of this and work? What is your will for me?" And I felt him whisper back, "I want you to do medicine." I wasn't expecting him to speak like that to me. It feels as though my dream to become a doctor has changed from being my dream that I didn't want to surrender to him, to it being his dream for me that is a gift, not a cause for striving, and a heavy burden I struggle under. Honestly I don't know how that will happen, but I know he doesn't call without giving us what we need to follow that call. I guess that give me stability with the uncertainty of it all, and an incredible sense of peace."

Little Miracles

Something God has been teaching me lately (as in the last few months) has been to ask Him for things, and trust Him to meet my needs where I can't meet them, because I ask... So I ask for: Carparks close when I'm in a rush or tired, or just want free parking. Certain things to come on special. Grants and Scholarships. Extra assistance with you name it. Creative ideas. A holiday. A pinup board. Free gym membership for nearly 2 months. Clothes. Work. Money. Breaks in the traffic that are big enough my tired brain can see them. Friends. Entry to certain classes and courses that are not normally permitted - for credit at Uni. More free stuff. Parental figures. Heck, I ask for a lot... I used to think it was inappropriate to always be asking God for things, and that I should keep my requests to the "holy stuff". But He's taught me something. In my time of need. When stupid things are bothering me, and stupid things that I can't change, when I'm feeling overwhelmed by life, He understands. And he has an answer for every dumb situation that I find myself in where I think I can't cope. I have honestly been seeing God answer some rather big requests. About one a week. So yes, big problems, bigger God. It's taught me to lean on Him. To trust Him, and rely on Him, and know that where I am at my weakest He is at His most glorious, moment to shine and show off like a peacock, and shows me just how much He loves me. Just to illustrate the point, I was at a prayer meeting tonight. There was a fellow there who paces... in all sorts of directions at all angles, and he doesn't seem to follow the rules of personal space bubbles, but if you move to give him more space he follows (seriously thought the guy was magnetised to me tonight! Argh!). Anyhow, at best it is annoying. At worst it is totally unnerving - get this guy away from me he's driving me crazy! (Maybe he's ADHD, but regardless, gets on my nerves.) Tonight was somewhere in between, but certainly was distracting. I was thinking here we go, I won't be able to focus on God because I'm constantly aware of this guy who keeps bumping into me or nearly running me over, etc. Then I had this little nudge from God, "Ask me to do something about it." So I asked, "Um, please move that guy away from me and put an angel there instead." Next thing, he moves across the room (sorry everyone on that side!) and then one of the pastor's children got a bit upset, so next thing he was standing next to me instead (as I was near his children), so the other dude was kinda stuck the other side of the room for pretty much the rest of the night. So there you have it, my pastor is an angel. :P Um, okay, maybe not, but it was funny answer to prayer, and yes, it was much easier for me to relax after that! That might sound like a big deal out of nothing, and in a sense, it kinda was. But it was important to me, so it was important to God. Think about it. I couldn't focus. I was feeling unnerved. So God switched it around, and put someone next to me who would have the complete opposite affect. The atmosphere Johnny carries is one of God's presence and peace, not of agitation. As stupid as it may sound, I needed that to be able to relax into God's arms so to speak. So He provided it. Like He does every other little thing I need. There is something so sweet about that place with God. It's sacred. It's not like a vending machine at all. It's much more like asking someone who is trying to win your heart and affection for a favour, and then savouring the moment when they joyfully do the task for you, and whispering a heartfelt thank you, that echoes in both of your hearts, with that shared smile no-one else can enter.

I am a Woman

I am a woman. I am no longer a little girl. I am a woman. My heart God's precious pearl. I am a woman. I am not a man. I am a woman. I am lead by God's own hand. I am a woman. A child I'll no longer be. I am a woman. With a mothers heart you see. I am a woman. I'm strong by God's hand alone. I am a woman. For I am now full grown. I am a woman. My faith in Him is found. I am a woman. Hope and love from God surround. I am a woman. My trials I face alone. I am a woman. Grace needed is at His throne. I am a woman. Scars and pain I face. I am a woman. And I trust in His great grace. I am a woman. Suffering I know. I am a woman. My faith in Him still grows. I am a woman. Mistakes and flaws have I. I am a woman. In Christ I did die. I am a woman. In Christ's death I live. I am a woman. With one life to give. I am a woman. At His feet I pour. With all my heart, Its treasure store. I am a woman. With beauty yet unseen. I am a woman, Filled with mystery. I am a woman. God sees each tear I cry. I am a woman. God will not leave me die. I am a woman. Given hope anew. I am a woman. To prove what He will do. I am a woman. My heart, it longs to soar. I am a woman. His wings, mine ever more. I am a woman. My heart is filled with love. I am a woman. And its kept by God above. I am a woman. My heart has lock and key. I am a woman. My heart God's mystery. I am a woman. My heart garden locked away. I am a woman. But love flows from it today. I am a woman. God holds my garden's keys. I am a woman. Til time as He does please. I am a woman. Beautiful, strong and brave. I am a woman, Who weeps on stranger's grave. I am a woman. My heart is blithe and free. I am a woman. I am God's mystery.

Let God guard your heart

We have an issue. Girls need to have a better handle on not lying to "protect" their emotions & feelings.

It's a bit hard to do that though if you're feeling like God is out to break your heart, and you're running from Him for that reason, and putting up walls around your heart.

Most girls I have seen start of in the world as innocent and beautiful. They are open emotionally, but usually they are happy. Then they get older. Someone hurts them. Justice is perverted. It breaks her heart. The smile disappears. They clam up. After a while they learn to smile again, but it's not the same. The innocence is gone. They are a good fake. They grow numb to some extent. They have walls around their heart, and they aren't going to let anyone in. They don't cry, but they don't smile either. Usually they get quite successful though, because they can be tough like the men. There is just one problem... they aren't men, and being tough is killing them.

Girls, putting walls up around your heart will starve it of the love it needs. Then you in turn start looking desperately for love, but on the same hand you're pushing it away. It's no wonder boys are confused with girls. On one hand you say you want him, but on the other hand, you are pushing him away.

You can't seem to admit the truth of something being wrong because that would be showing weakness, but you still want him to do something about it. When he believes you that "nothing" is wrong you get hurt further, so you build up the walls higher. I know lying is easier than being vunerable and telling the truth. We don't want to be weak, but being like fine china means being breakable. Being soft means being mouldable. Being a flower means you have to open up and risk getting crushed or wilt and die.

If you decided to be tough and brittle, it might work, but if you break, you will shatter. If you are soft, yes it will hurt, especially at first, but you will become strong, truly strong, in a way that you didn't realise was possible.

Now, I'm not saying you won't ever get hurt. Love hurts sometimes! But He will protect you. He will hold you. If you trust HIM rather than yourself.


Phillipians 4:4-7

4 Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice!
5 Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand.
6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;
7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

God says to rejoice ALWAYS! These people were being persecuted. They were getting killed. How much more should we rejoice when things go wrong?! Praise God when it hurts. It glorifies Him, and it makes it hurt less. It's like you're a flower that has been crushed, so you give God your full fragrance and say do what you will with it God. I have spoken to girls (and been one myself), who find it hard to trust God in situations like this. We don't want to trust Him, because He might not do anything, and it terrifies us. He is not out to break your heart. Actually God is out to heal your heart.

Then He says to let your gentleness be known. Um, sorry to break it to you, but that hard-hearted feminist doesn't cut it. I'm not saying you have to be a pushover, but you do need to be gentle, and it needs to be visible to all!

God wants us to trust Him and not fear.

I Peter 3:6 (AMP)
It was thus that Sarah obeyed Abraham [following his guidance and acknowledging his headship over her by] calling him lord (master, leader, authority). And you are now her true daughters if you do right and let nothing terrify you [not giving way to hysterical fears or letting anxieties unnerve you].

Don't fear or let yourself give way to anxieties. Guard your mind. Instead pray, pray, pray! God hears your prayers!

Then the peace of God will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Oh, the peace.

Yesterday was such an insane day for me. I was walking home, and I was thinking, it's been such a weird day. I mean, I don't feel bad about it, but seriously hasn't been that great as far as the external. (I guess this was part of the peace that surpasses all understanding is about too.) Then I realised part of the weird feeling was that everyone else was feeling sorry for Felicity (or would if they knew what was happening/happened), but I wasn't sorry for Felicity, and neither did I want to be. Sure I wanted some things to change, but I wasn't crushed or incenced.

In all that I realised that God didn't want my heart to get broken. He didn't want me to feel crushed, and want to throw emotions in a box and hide them in the closet or something as a result.

I guess it's about thinking about His protection going further than just not keeping you from getting run over by a car, mugged or whatever, but it's also about Him keeping my heart safe so that I'm not afraid to trust Him with my emotions and feelings.

Last night I was just reminded so much in my own life that God is NOT out to break my heart and He is not out to crush my feelings. So often people talk about "break my heart God" and it's supposed to sound holy... but seriously, He wants to protect it, and He wants me, and every other girl to trust Him to protect it rather than feeling like I have to get tough (hard hearted) after things go wrong, and it's just easier to be "mean" and "tough" and that's the only way to succeed in life. That's wrong.

Oh, hurting Girls. God loves you and He wants you to trust Him with your heart so that when things go wrong and you're getting pushed around, and your life is blue... (or your clothes!) when your team is losing, when the nation is in turmoil, when no-one likes you, when the electrician fixes everything excepting your problem, and you have a 7 minute walk in the rain. He wants you to be so secure in Him that when it happens, and while you may be flabbergasted and don't like is happening, you are not feeling sorry for you. You have the peace that surpasses all understanding, because God, is your God and He is taking care of you. It's not cliched. I wouldn't say it if it wasn't true in my own life.

Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion which can not be moved but abides forever. Psalm 125:1

True Love

True love is not based on the merit of the recipient. It instead is based on the purity of heart from the giver. As we learn to love like He first loved us we start to grasp true love. People think that you can not love without getting it in return. To some extent that is true. You cannot love if you do not know how to, and the way we learn to love is because "He first loved us.", however just because one must have love to be able to give it does not mean that one must get it from the recipient. True love's source must be God, because His love alone is pure.

What do They Have in Common?

What do Todd Bentley, Mike Guglielmucci, Roco Leo, and Paul Cain have in common?

2 Samuel 14:14
For we will surely die and become like water spilled on the ground, which cannot be gathered up again. Yet God does not take away a life; but He devises means, so that His banished ones are not expelled from Him.

So pray for them. I am.